


Consequences

by Lynn_Forster



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grisha Persecution, Inej & Matthias friendship because I need it, Introspection, Nightmares, Past Violence, Post-Book 2: Crooked Kingdom, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:35:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24523969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lynn_Forster/pseuds/Lynn_Forster
Summary: Five years after Crooked Kingdom.Matthias wakes up in the middle of the night, tormented by nightmares and remorse. Even though he's working hard with Nina to make things better for Grisha people, he often thinks to all the pain he caused, to the past he cannot change.Inej, who's hosted at his and Nina's home in Os Alta, helps him to find some relief.USUAL WARNING: English is not my first language.
Relationships: Inej Ghafa & Matthias Helvar, Matthias Helvar/Nina Zenik
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	Consequences

**Author's Note:**

> The Author’s Corner: I initially thought to post this story in my Post-CK Collection, but I changed my idea because those OS are meant to be happy and fluff, while this one is more introspective and with sensitive content.  
> Who knows me is aware I am mad because of Matthias’ ending (you can also find on my Tumblr @lynnforsterblog an article about it). I think he needed more time to complete his development (he spent FEW WEEKS to work on himself, he changed a lot but come on, it can’t be enough when someone has to unlearn teachings of a whole life!)  
> I wanted to see him facing consequences from his past and actually help Grisha cause. It would have been so much interesting to me!  
> Here’s an example of what I imagined it could be one of these consequences: nightmares, remorse, mental breakdowns in the middle of the night, introspection.  
> I hope I did a good job. It’s a very sensitive topic and I really, really hope I didn’t fail it.  
> (Oh, yes, Jesper as the one who killed Brum is an headcanon I have with a friend with whom I plotted our personal SoC 3).  
> So… thanks for reading, hope I wrote everything properly. 
> 
> Lynn

_The old, rotten, dark wood of the ship was creaking due to humidity and the howling wind outside. The air was cold and wet all around him.  
Matthias turned around, a strong sense of anxiety was rising into his chest; then, he saw his own reflection in a dirty mirror.  
\- N-no! - he moaned. He was wearing the drüskelle uniform. Again.  
\- No!  
He tried to remove it, but the black and grey clothes seemed to be glued to his skin.  
Groans and cries behind him made his heart sinking. A sound he heard too many times.  
He didn’t want to look back. He knew what he was going to see.  
All his courage was needed to turn around again: a terrifying, familiar metal cage, filled with prisoners, injured, dirty, desperate prisoners, all wearing Grisha clothes from different orders, their hands strictly tied with thick ropes.  
Among them, there was a girl, around sixteen or seventeen, dressed with a Heartrender kefta, a little red bird with long dark hair.  
But that girl wasn’t Nina. Matthias recognized his own ice blue eyes when he met her glance.  
\- Papa!  
No. No, no, no, no!  
Aenya hit the iron bars of the prison with her tied hands: - Please, papa, help me!  
\- Aenya! – he cried, reaching the cage. His eyes went wet.  
Matthias tried to tuck his hand between the bars to touch Aenya’s cheek, but there wasn’t enough space, his hand was too large.  
\- Aenya, love – he sobbed. – Don’t worry, I’ll take you out of here... I’ll free you all...  
\- Free us, papa, please! – she pleaded. – They will kill us! They will burn us alive, they will make experiments on us! Save us!  
-It... it won’t happen – the Fjerdan murmured, looking for the door of the cage. – I swear, love... I won’t let them touch you... on my own life, I swear...  
There was no door. There were no keys.  
-Papa...  
Filled with desperation, Matthias grabbed the knife he kept on his belt and he called for the nearest Materialki: - Come here, I’ll free your hands, so you can work on the iron bars!  
-Papa, hurry up! – Aenya cried. - He’s coming!  
Suddenly, the rope that tied the Materialki’s hands turned into a long iron chain, that wrapped around the Fjerdan’s giant body and made him fall to the ground.  
Matthias struggled against the tight grip, trying to free himself, but he wasn’t strong enough. He was useless, harmless.  
The sound of familiar steps. A shadow over him. And then, that voice...  
\- You are so disappointing, Helvar.  
The young man let a painful moan out: Jarl Brum was holding Aenya by her hair, an evil grin on his face.  
\- You were one of the bests! And now, look at the abomination you made! And another one lies in your witch’s body! Monsters!  
\- Papa! – the girl cried.  
Rage burst into Matthias’ chest: - Don’t you dare! Keep your filthy, bloody hands away from her! – he grunted, his hands closed into fists. – You are the monster! You poisoned my mind and the ones of many other boys, for years! You killed innocent people and spread hate in every place you’ve been! But I swear on my life, on my blood and my honour, I’ll delete every single crumble of you from this world!  
The grip from the chain tightened. Brum burst into a cruel laugh.  
\- You will never succeed! You can’t change the world, in the same way you can’t change your past and yourself! You’ll always have blood on your hands!  
The cage with the Grisha prisoners disappeared and the environment around him changed: Matthias found himself chained to a wall; in front of him, two stakes.  
Aenya’s teenager version was tied to the right one; on the left one, he saw Nina, dressed in a black and red kefta, her generous physique made even rounder due to the pregnancy.  
Brum walked towards them, a torch in his hand.  
\- NO! – Matthias cried, pushing his muscles to the limits to free himself from the chains and save them.  
The chains broke and everything went black around him: he found himself alone, wandering in the dark, calling for his beloved ones’ names.  
He instinctively looked at his own, large hands: they were covered in blood.  
  
  
  
_Matthias opened his eyes, shaking, almost breathless. The ceiling of the room, the first thing he saw. He was trembling and sweating, a pesky tingle filled his fingers.  
He swallowed hard and tried to regularize his breath; he could feel the soft mattress under his back, Nina’s head on his chest, the warmth of her soft skin under his hand.  
She laid slightly oblique on the bed, to gain more space for her large breasts and her baby bump.  
A moan came from her mouth, she slowly opened her eyes, blinking.  
\- I need to pee – she murmured.  
\- Y-yes – he stuttered. – N-now I’ll help you t-to...  
Nina frowned: - You’re trembling...  
The young man tried to prop up on his elbows: - J-just a nightmare...  
\- Hey, hey – she whispered, gently pushing his chest to make him lay down. – Chill, honey. I can wait. Take some moments to calm down... take a deep breath... and relax...  
She pecked the corner of his lips: - It’s all okay, love. It was just a bad dream.  
\- Yes... – he sighed. – Just... a bad dream... okay, honey, I’m fine... let’s go to the toilet.  
He helped her getting out of the bed, rubbing her bump and kissing her forehead when she leaned on him.  
Just a bad dream.  
He forced himself not to look at his own hands, while he was waiting for Nina outside of the bathroom.  
_“It’s impossible”_ he tried to tell himself. _“Come on. You won’t see bloodstains.”  
_Things were changing. Brum was dead, Jesper killed him three years before. The world was free from his poisonous shadow.  
Still, he kept on staring at the wall in front of him.  
When Nina came out, every crumble of drowsiness had left his body.  
\- I... I am not sleepy, love – he whispered, escorting her back to the bed. – I think I’ll go out in the garden for a walk.  
\- Mh... okay – Nina yawned, laying on her back and sprawling her arms over her pillow. – I can’t assure... I’ll wait for you awake...  
Matthias smiled, leaning over her on the bed and kissing her baby bump and her lips: - Sleep well, honey.  
He wore a pair of grey pants and a singlet and, while Nina started snoring, he walked out of the bedroom, trying to remove the terrifying images of his nightmare from his head.  
Just a bad dream. Yes, it had been, that night. But what about all the times that happened in real life?  
He took a few steps along the aisle, stopping in front of Aenya’s room. The burden on his chest became heavier, while he looked inside: his eyes were getting used to the darkness, so he could spot his daughter’s little figure cuddled with the huge, white wolf that laid next to her.  
Trassel moved his ears and raised his muzzle. Matthias smiled.  
\- Hey, mate – he whispered, sitting slowly on the mattress and caressing the wolf’s head.  
\- Papa?  
Aenya’s sleepy, sweet voice made the young man’s smile widen. She turned her head, blinking confusedly: - Is it morning?  
Matthias kissed her forehead: - No, honey – he whispered. - Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up. Go back to sleep.  
\- Mh... – she murmured, resting her head again on Trass’ shoulder.  
The Fjerdan looked at her for a while, then, he leaned and kissed her cheek.  
_“I love you with all of my soul”_ he thought. _“I won’t let anyone hurt you.”  
_He gave Trass another gentle pat and the wolf replied licking his hand.  
\- We’re always mates – the young man murmured. – Aren’t we, Trass? Here to keep her safe. To keep _them_ safe.  
  
  
  
It was in the garden he eventually surrender to all the pain, the regrets, the tears.  
He tried to breathe deeply, to walk on the wet grass, barefoot, to loosen the knot that gripped his stomach... but he ended up on his knees, his eyes and cheeks wet, sobbing as silent as possible, his hands clentching his own huge arms in a painful self-hug.  
Nightmares were just fair consequences of his past. Something he deserved, he thought.  
He swore Aenya, Nina and the child who was growing into her womb he would have always kept them safe.  
_I won’t let anyone hurt you. Nothing bad will happen to you.  
_How many Grisha had promised this to their children, to the love of their life?  
He could almost figure it, into his mind: there had been for sure a father, like him, who loved his Grisha daughter with all of his soul and promised her she would have always been safe.  
A father like him, who was willing to sacrifice his own life to protect his daughter, willing to be her shield against the entire world... only to see her captured by drüskelle and maybe... maybe killed.  
Matthias had actually never killed a Grisha with his own hands, when he was one of Brum’s pawns, but he had captured them, condemning them. It wasn’t much different.  
How many daughters, like his Aenya, he caught? How many lovers? How many fathers? How many innocent people who just wanted to live their lives, to fulfil their dreams, to be happy and safe?  
_-_ Their blood is on my hands – he sobbed. – It will always be...  
He curled up, hiding his face against his arms, his hands clenched on his hair.  
\- It’s all my fault... it’s all my fault... it’s all my fault...  
\- Matthias?  
Tiny hands on his wrists, a familiar female voice.  
The young man vainly tried to dry his eyes, struggling to smile to the Suli girl.  
\- Inej... I... it’s okay, I...  
The Wraith cupped his bearded cheeks with her palms: - It’s obviously not okay. Do you need to talk?  
\- I...  
The Fjerdan’s voice broke and his shoulders started to rise and fall again. Tears fell down his cheeks and he only could hide his face against the shoulder she was offering him.  
\- I can’t sleep too – she whispered, caressing his soft, golden curls. – Shadows from the past can be cruel, every time they come back...  
\- You... you did nothing wrong... – Matthias sniffled. – You are a victim, Inej, but I... I am a monster... I hurt people... I have their blood on my hands... I... I don’t deserve to be forgiven... I don’t deserve happiness... I destroyed families but I dared to start one of my own... I don’t deserve it... I don’t deserve Nina and our kids... I don’t deserve them...  
\- Hey – Inej parted from him, forcing him to look into her eyes. – You did bad things, that’s true. You did horrible things and you can’t change you past. It will always be part of you. But look at what you’re doing in the present, look at the future you’re trying to build! Look at the person you are now!  
The boy sat on the grass, rubbing his eyes. He sighed, trying to regularize his breath.  
\- Someday... I will look my children into their eyes and I’ll have to tell them what I did... what I did to people like their mother, like Aenya... like the little one, if he or she will be a Grisha too... I will have to tell them they wouldn’t have been safe, in the past, because of... me...  
Inej sat too, crossing her legs and touching gently one of his large hands: - Someday they will know who you were, of course. They will know how an orphan had been turned into a weapon by a monster who took advantage of his grief. They will know how their father had been fed with hate for years. But they’ll also know he understood his mistakes, he unlearnt the bad teachings of a whole life, he had been able to open his eyes and started fighting to change a cruel, wrong world. Yes, they wouldn’t have been safe in the past because of you – she placed her palm on his cheek. – But they will be safe in the future _thanks_ to you.  
Slowly, Matthias stopped sobbing. She gently caressed his beard with her thumb.  
\- You’ve been working for this cause for five years. And the situation is already improving – she smiled. – I am sure your children will never be haunted for who they are. They will never grow up in fear, discriminated and hated, and the same will be for many other Grisha. And young Fjerdans will be educated to love and respect, instead of hate and fear.  
Matthias shyly replied to her smile: - I hope so...  
\- Need a hug?  
He nodded, holding her small body in his huge, strong arms. She gently caressed his back, letting him rest his head on her shoulder.  
\- Emotional breakdown. I know what it means – she whispered. – When it happens, don’t hold your tears. Don’t try to hide it. Don’t suffer all alone. And... just try to think how hard you’re working to make things better.  
The burden on his chest slowly lightened.  
He couldn’t change his past. But he would have kept fighting for a bright future.  
He owed it to Nina, to their kids, to all the Grisha who still lived in fear and to the innocents he condemned. He knew he couldn’t bring them back. But he also knew he would have killed them twice, if he stopped working for their people, if he chose to stay silent, if he chose to hide.  
No, he would never let this happen.  
\- Thank you, Inej.  
  
  
  
There was some tea left on the teapot, from the afternoon. Cold, vanilla flavored tea.  
Matthias sat with Inej at the dinner table, both holding a teacup. She helped him with the shadows from his past, now it was his turn to listen.  
He wasn’t as good as her to talk and give support, but he would for sure try his best to make her feel better.  
They talked until dawn.  
  



End file.
